When I was a child, I did not have a care in the world. As I got older and moved into my teenage years, I begin to get a taste of what the real world looks like and start to see that life is not always a bed of roses. Unfortunately life does not come with an instruction manual. So when unforeseen circumstances arise, you handle it the best way you know how. We do what we think is best for us at the time. We do what seems "normal." We go through life not wanting to feel pain, we don't want to feel vulnerable, we tell ourselves, "I'm fine," or "I'll be alright." All the while we are not. We go through the motions, moving at the speed of light, trying to avoid what is really wrong. We do not want to face our demons because it is uncomfortable and painful. Facing those demons makes us feel weak and defenseless. Once our defenses are down, and we are at our most lowest, most vulnerable point, it is then we can allow the healing to begin.
I remember watching "Charm School" on VH1with Monique, and how she would literally break those girls down. They came in that house thinking they were big and bad and they had it going on. I loved when Monique would just bust right through that tough exterior and get to the core of what was really the root of their self-destructive behavior and stank attitude. Monique had them crying and pouring their hearts out about their life. It was emotional an emotional and vulnerable moment for them, but that was how they begin to reform and change their negative behavior. It was necessary for them to be broke down into little pieces in order to pick up the pieces and start over, fix their broken spirit and heal their wounded soul. I think that's what it takes for your soul to open up. There is someone or something that is going to paint you into a corner and you will have no where to go. At some point, now or later, we have to get OUR SELF RIGHT. We have to stop living in pain and living in denial about what caused the pain. If not, we will continue to feel defeated, angry and alone. We will continue to subconsciously self medicate with addictions and compulsions that suppress all of those emotions that need to be released.
How can we move to the next step of healing? Coming to the realization that there is something wrong. I now know that I'm not 100% mentally healthy. I know this because lately I have been kind of snippy, impatient, annoyed, and short sometimes. Not with everyone, but certain people who get on my nerves. Lately, it's been my mom and my boss (and they just so happen to be both Leos...go figure). I have been paying attention to my eating habits and drinking habits, and they are unhealthy. I feel the need to curse more than normal and I find myself wanting to avoid some responsibilities, spending money out of impulse. I pick at every little bump on my body, and as a result, my body is full of scars. Not only that, my attitude lately has been 'I don't care.' It is coming from the inside of my psyche. I just realized today, actually a few hours ago, it is me that is hurting me. I know why I feel a sense of unsettle-ness. I'm happy on the outside....but I think deep, deep, deep down to the core, the unresolved issues are messing me up on the inside. As a result, I'm lashing out through my emotions and bad habits are becoming more and more pronounced. Not good.
I want to be well. Now that I have recognize the fact there is turmoil, I want to deal with it. At first I didn't because I was not ready...but I think that I am at that place, or turning point where I have come to the end of my rope. I do not want to live with that unsettled, unresolved feeling, like I am missing out on something or I have a void to fill. I am ready to tackle the issues that I never knew was the cause of my unhealthy behaviors. I know it's going to be rough revealing and reliving past events and emotions, but I can do it and get through it. I want to be a better me, and in order for that to happen, I have to repair my spirit. The healthy mind and body will be a reflection of my repaired spirit and heart. I know of a therapist that has helped me before. He is good, very charismatic and humorous, but he makes you feel comfortable to open up. So....the next challenge? Making the phone call! I must admit I have some anxiety about starting the healing process, but I'm going to pray my way through it because I want to get it right--or else, I will never be whole.
I also want to start meditating and doing yoga. Now that I have my own space, I have NO EXCUSES! It's time to put some of these things into action, and stop talking about it. I am determined to be a better me. I honestly feel that this will open the door for more positive energy to flow. I will be able to move forward into a life that I often dream of. A life of fulfillment and an over abundance of happiness! Let the healing journey began!